


Holding Your Hand Through the Darkness

by Ihaveayact



Category: Death Note
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-22
Updated: 2016-07-14
Packaged: 2018-07-16 17:09:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7276615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ihaveayact/pseuds/Ihaveayact
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"What the hell is your problem Near!" A young boy spits in another's face, holding the smaller one by his collar. "I've barely seen you for over a year and all I get is a shrug! Why are you ignoring me! It's not fair! I thought I'd get to talk to you again!" The larger one's hands began to tremble ever so slightly.<br/>"Mello," Near begins. Tears start to slip down Mello's cheek, his shoulders shaking. "Please put me down."<br/>"You're useless." Mello throws Near on the ground and runs out of the toy littered library.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I disappeared. How would things unfold if Roger found me curled up under my bed with red stained wrists. Would they assume that the pressure was too much, and I just opted out, or would they suspect something else. Some of the more intuitive staff members would get it. Most of the students wouldn't even suspect.

"Would you even care? Would you just move on like I never existed?" Tapping my pen impatiently, I watch you from across the room. Barely even paying attention to the lesson I see. How typical. 

Sometimes I like to think about what my funeral would be like. Roger would come up and say a few kind words, some of the teachers would mention what kind of student I was. I'd like to imagine that a few of the students would miss me. I know Matt would. But most of all I'd like to think that you would come up to say a few words to my corpse. Not the people attending, but the guest of honor. I'd like to think that you would hold my hand and whisper something to me that would bring you to tears, because I would never be alive to hear them. I'd like to think that you would even show up, that you would even care.

If it ever comes to that, in the last moments, I'll think of you holding my hand and whispering those words as the darkness consumes me.

"What will you think about when that fateful moment comes, Near?" I let my eyes drift closed for a moment, sinking my head down on my desk. I don't understand why I still need to take a language. I'm already fluent in English, Spanish, Japanese, and Italian. Now I'm learning Russian.

"This is stupid." Mumbling to myself I begin to doodle absentmindedly. 

"Care to share with the class Mello?" Mrs.Rawneer inquires pausing the lesson.

"No. Sorry for interrupting." Stretching out my sore muscles I go back to taking notes. I don't have to look over to know that Nate is watching me. I can feel his gray eyes observing, recording, studying my every move. He's such a creep. I still can't believe that we're in most of the same classes despite the fact that he's two years younger than me.

"Also Mello," Mrs.Rawneer beigins, again,"I'm tired of you mumbling in Japanese, just because I teach Russian doesn't mean It's the only language I'm fluent in. I think most of your peers will agree with me." A few students snicker, and I recognize one of their voices to be Matt's.


	2. Chapter 2

I've known Nate ever since he first joined Wammy's. At that time I was eight and he was six. Most of the students didn't refer to each other by our aliases until the orphanage insisted upon it about three years ago. So when I first met Nate I knew him as Nate. Now I still think of him as Nate, but I address him as Near. Its the same with all the other students.

Up until I was ten years old, I lived in a large room with about ten bunk beds. It was the same for everybody. As soon as you're old enough, you get a room that you only have to share with one person. The only personal possessions we were allowed to have was our clothes. That meant no toys. I however didn't listen to that rule and hid some toys at the bottom of my trunk that I kept my clothing in.

Nate moved into the bunk right above mine. He was a quiet kid then, he still is now, but it was different. When he was younger he was just shy, now he has no interest in anything social. On the first day I gave him one of my toy robots, his face lit up like light bulb when he saw it, and he went on and on about how he had one exactly like it where he used to live. He was more expressive then. He would smile, cry, frown, and even laugh. And I was always there for him. I was his only friend and he was mine.

Then I turned ten and he was eight. I moved into a small room with a particular red head named Matt, or Mail as I'm supposed to call him. We didn't get to talk as much as we used to, but we would still play together every now and then on breaks. Things started changing, I got more school work, and Nate was just gone for a while. When he came back though he started getting the top grade with me. It didn't bother me at first.

When he was ten and I was twelve we had a lot of classes together, but I couldn't get him to talk to me. None of the teachers would tell me what was wrong. Some of them didn't even acknowledge that anything had changed. I dropped the notion all together and kept pushing Nate. He would just manipulate the situation as much as he could, or as much as he would allow, to try and keep me away.

L only saw me once when I was nine. I was really nervous, and surprised when I saw the tattered jeans and old white shirt. I was expecting someone with a tie, that had shiny slicked back hair. He walked in asked me for my name and walked out. I remember I puffed out my chest proudly and put extra care into enunciating my words. Near however has been talking to L regularly ever since he started getting the top grades.

That's when it got to me. I became obsessed with the scores, I worked harder than I ever did before to become number one again. My old friend soon became an enemy, at least on the outside. I keep on telling myself that, as I watch him from afar, now that he's twelve and I'm fourteen.


	3. Chapter 3

Sitting on my bunk and staring at the ceiling is a past time that I have always seemed to enjoy. I like to watch and see as my thoughts swirl into shape in front of me. The dancing colors, and swirling numbers. The letters typing themselves out for me as if there was a hidden type writer somewhere. If I tried to explain this to Matt he would probably ask me what kind of crack I was smoking.

It's comforting to just lie and listen to the droning 'tap tap tap' of fingers diligently working over the keys of a keyboard. Its nice to know your not alone, to know you could just roll over and see someone you trust. I think about Nate every night. Every instinct in my body telling me to push for answers, to find out whats so wrong with him. If I tried hard enough I would definitely be able to find an answer, but a part of me wants Nate to tell me on his own accord. So every Thursday night, just like clock work, I go and find him.

The only time I ever really see Nate is in classes, I don't know where he goes afterwards. He's almost never in his room, I've only seen him in the cafeteria once, and as far as I know he doesn't go outside either. The only time I know where he is, and can find him, is on Thursdays. Every Thursday Nate stays in an old library at the back of the orphanage. I assume he has a key since the only time its ever unlocked, is when he's in there. So every Thursday I sit with him.

Usually Nate will play with his toys, moving on from one toy to another every so often. I find it just a tad bit weird. I mean I get feeling nostalgic and wanting to get out a few toys from your past, but the amount of toys Nate has is just absurd. Not to mention he only wears one pair of pajamas anymore, even during classes. I don't understand Nate, which is a very unwelcome feeling. It's like he became a completely different person when he grew up. I'm sure that didn't happen over night, and I'm more than a hundred percent positive that this didn't happen naturally either. If somebody did something so terrible to Nate that it made him change who he was, I'll kill them.

"Feelings are so weird." Mumbling to myself I sit up looking around at the barely lit bedroom. The last of the purple and pink rays of light slip silently out the window, leaving Matt's bright laptop screen the only source of light.

"You're pretty weird in general you know." I glance over at the hunched over figure on the other side of the room.

"Like your one to talk." Stretching my arms above my head I barely hear Matt's snicker above the steady hum of the AC unit. Even though summer just started, it's already nearly a hundred degrees outside, even at night. "How's the essay coming along?"

"I finished it about a half an hour ago. Right now I'm debugging the program I recently made for my computer class." Taking a closer look at his screen I confirm that yes, he is not working on his essay anymore.

"Well you better be done when I'm back. I have to study for the upcoming exam and Mr.Myers gave me a new list of websites I can check out that will help." Jumping down from the bed I slip on some shoes and walk out the door. The familiar smell of hard wood floor invades my senses as I close the door and begin my trek down the hallway. Most of the buildings that make up the orphanage are pretty old, some of them have been renovated after one of the staff found a hole in the floor, or water damage most likely caused by a drip. The oldest building is probably the chapel, every Sunday they have a sermon for any of the kids who want to attend. I go sometimes, the idea of a loving creator is something nice to think about. Sometimes I sneak into the chapel when the sun shines through the largest of the stained glass windows, creating a rainbow of light that skips and dances across the wooden benches.

Finally reaching the old library, I hesitate slightly, all the possibilities of what could happen running through my head, before opening the door. The first thing I notice is the smell, dust, and old books, the creaking sound of the door barely registering before I see him out of the corner of my eye. White locks tickling his neck as he hunches over a detailed castle made of Legos, his small hand clutching a familiar robot. 

"Hey Near." Looking up at me I take note of the barely noticeable bags under his eyes. He probably covers it up with make up. "Can I sit?"

"I don't see why not." Nate turns back to his toys, his words laced with annoyance. I almost flinch at how cold his words were, pushing back memories of a beaming smile, and joyful ramblings. Sitting down across the room from him I pick up one of the books that are scattered across the room watching Nate's turned back at the edges of my vision. It really isn't fair.


	4. Chapter 4

I'ts really too bad that Mrs. Richi insists we stay inside. If it where up to me I'd dive outside into the rain head first in all my barefooted glory. But in the end it's probably for the best. The doctors said I should stay inside for the most part anyways. Still sometimes I miss going outside all the time and playing with my friends. Looking away from the window I walk back towards my food. Sitting down the smell of plain oat meal and crackers fill my senses. I wrinkle my nose and force myself to take a bite.

 "Oh good Near, your eating." Meeting Mrs. Richi's gaze I swallow the food before giving her the biggest smile that I could. 

 "See I'll eat my food, you can go now!" I take another bite of oat meal and give her a pointed look. Mrs. Richi glances between me and my food suspiciously. 

 "You promise?" She asks arching her brow. I nod enthusiastically before stuffing a cracker in my face and chewing slowly.

 "Atta boy." Mrs. Richi smiles warmly before ruffling my hair in a fond gesture. I spit my food out onto my plate as I hear her walk away. Eating doesn't appeal to me right now. Eating hasn't appealed to me in a long time. Ignoring my stomachs protests, I rest my head on the wooden table.

 "That's nasty. I don't want to see your half chewed food!" Mihael barks with a full mouth. 

 "That's ironic! Get it?" Beaming I look up from the table and laugh a little on the inside at Mihaels confusion. 

 "What does ironic even mean? And where'd ya learn it anyways?" Mihael shovels another spoonful of oatmeal in his mouth as he furrows his brow in frustration and curiosity. 

 "I learned it from the dictionary duh." I roll my eyes before continuing. "The exact definition of irony is, the expression of one's meaning by using language that normally signifies the opposite, typically for humorous or emphatic effect. What you just said is ironic cause you don't wan't to see my chewed up food but if you talk with your mouth full then I can see your chewed up food!" I laugh as Mihael rolls his eyes before opening his full mouth on purpose. "Ewwww! You're gross Mihael!"

 "Whatever." Mihael smiles before taking another bite of oatmeal. The rain taps on the window softly almost as if it's trying to get my attention so I can go out and play with it. The more I focus on the rain the more the sounds of the cafeteria die down. I rest my head on the table again and look out the window. It's foggy out, and the rain is letting up so its brighter out now than it was earlier. Squinting in the fog I see figures moving in the distance.

 "My friends are back!" I jump out of my seat and run to the window to get a better look. 

 "Nate! What are you doing? You can't go outside! Even if it was raining you wouldn't be allowed with out an adult, and you know what Mrs. Richi  thinks of your friends, sit down before she sees you!" Mihael calls from the table. 

 "Mrs. Richi is stupid. I should be able to play with my friends if I want too." I pout as I continue to look out the window. The fog is getting thicker and the figures get blurrier as I continue to look at them. "Besides I won't be out for long, I just want to say hi."

 I run over to the door a couple of windows down. There's so much commotion in the cafeteria that nobody notices me opening the door. I breath in the crisp fresh air and shiver as some rain drops hit my toes. Mrs. Richi want's me to wear socks through out the winter, but I can't stand them. Their too confining, so I always take them off when she isn't looking, or is too busy to care.

 "Near! Get away from that door this instant!" Somebody grabs my wrist before I can run out the door away from the constantly meddling Mrs. Richi.

 "I got him." I look up and see the cafeteria lady before she closes the door behind me. Mrs. Richi grabs my hand and starts heading out of the cafeteria. 

 "I think you should stay in the office with me for the day. I'll excuse you from all of your classes. Then I'll call the doctor. We're going to have to talk to you abut your friends again." My shoulders sink as I reluctantly follow the teacher from hell. There's a lump in my throat, and my eyes burn. I sniffle as tears streak down my face.

 "I don't want to talk to Mr. Fawler. He scares me." Wiping my eyes I try to be brave as we continue to walk down the hall.

 "Wait up!" I look behind me to see Mihael running over to us.

 "Mihael!" I wrench my hand out of the witche's before running up to Mihael and hugging him.

 "Mrs. Richi is it ok if I stay with Nate for the day? It might help him relax if he's going to see the doctor again."  Mihael addresses Mrs. Richi as I stand to the side of him, and clutch his hand so hard that my knuckles turn white.

 "I'm not leaving Mihael." I state with a surge of confidence. Mrs. Richi looks between Mihael and I before sighing.

 "Alright, I'll allow it." Mrs. Richi smiles before turning around and heading back to her office.


End file.
